Today my anxiety levels are high. When I’m not feeling anxious it’s harder to talk about because I tend to forget the feelings, probably because I don’t want to remember. Most of my anxiety triggers are related to social interactions. Today I have a presentation to give on a website I created (something I volunteered for); followed by MG’s birthday party on Friday and the house is in a mess; followed by going to London on Saturday to the Red House Children’s Book Awards ceremony.
Any one of these things would cause me some anxiety; three within five days means I’m practically incapacitated. I’m on antidepressants which do take the edge off a little, but not enough. I’ve taken beta blockers in the past (for driving tests – I still failed ten and passed none) and of course there’s alcohol for social events where that’s acceptable, but I don’t like to do that for various reasons either. Given how prescription drugs do very little for me, I’ve never been tempted to try recreational ones. Therefore generally in life, I’ve taken to avoiding any stress triggers. I don’t have a ‘proper’ job anymore; I rarely go out; and I try to leave long periods of time between unavoidable trigger events. Or just avoid them.
I have been diagnosed with Social Anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorder (both by a GP, not a specialist) because I get anxious about social events and tend to avoid things. I think it’s slightly more complex than that but regardless of why, here’s the how.
My stomach is full of butterflies. This is constant. I say butterflies because I’m not sure how to explain the feeling but it’s a near-sick nervousness that doesn’t go away. Apologies for the extra info, but this also gives me diarrhoea. My heart is beating faster or more strongly, this makes my head thud. Concentration is hard. I have to concentrate to concentrate. When I speak, my voice may crack easily and I sound like I’m about to burst into tears at any moment. I may burst into tears at any moment.
My hands and arms shake with fear and worry. My brain locks into a pattern of inactivity. I can’t do anything to help the anxiety go away (like plan for a presentation, or tidy the house ready for a party) because I can’t do anything. Sleep is my only escape from these overwhelming feelings. The unconscious nothingness of sleep is all I want, plus the trigger to go away so the feelings will go away. Maybe if I sleep through, I don’t have to face what’s making me so anxious. Maybe I can say I’m ill, because I certainly feel it.
My tinnitus is louder today, but I’m used to that and can generally ignore it. My breathing is deeper and slower. I don’t tend to hyperventillate these days because I concentrate on breathing more. My head thuds and pounds, my stomach churns, my limbs feel cold and numb or prickle with a pins and needles feeling. I need to close my eyes, I need for it all to go away.
At the grand age of thirty-seven, I’m a lot better at dealing with my anxieties. I can usually have a word with myself and bring up a host of examples of where I was worried about something and it turned out okay. I won’t bring up the examples of where I didn’t worry and it turned bad, I don’t need reminding. I wish I didn’t remember so much sometimes.
I’m going to have a word with myself now. I’ve created the website, it does look pretty good. It’s a first draft, not a fait accompli and I’m going to the meeting to talk about it and for things to be approved and changed. There will be changes, it will not be a personal attack against me.
Both my daughters are at school. I have done most of the work I need for today, and I have a clear four hours to tidy the house for Friday. Sitting here will not help. Picking up that box in front of me and tidying up the pens and pencils (again) will. I’ve already done lots of tidying and decluttering, I’ve worked hard, I should be proud of myself. Ignore the tinnitus. Ignore the churning stomach. Drink water, it will stop the pounding head.
To those who suffer from anxiety: I hope you’re getting the help you need. Please see a GP if you haven’t, it can help. To those who don’t: Please don’t tell us “we all get anxious”, it really isn’t just a bit of nerves and can seriously affect every part of our lives. I now know how to cope (most of the time) but being told “it’s normal, we all have it sometimes” when it really wasn’t made me feel even more incapable and useless. Thank-you for reading.
Aw…. I sympathise so much. I swear we’re twins, we’re even the same age. You know where I am if you ever need to chat. I go through almost exactly the same things and it’s awful. There are good days and bad days and the bad days are sh*t aren’t they. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. And a virtual cup of tea and a whole lot of positive vibes sent over your way too. You are a wonderful human being with so much to offer and the bad days will pass and you will have good days to come. Grit your teeth, ride it out and you’ll be fine. I’m going to DM you my phone number in case you ever fancy a chat, not even just for the support thing, it’s so we can exchange tips on how to fail your driving test most efficiently. ;o) Look after yourself. xxx
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You are so lovely, thank-you xxx I am coping really, but writing down the feelings too so it’s out there! Have replied to DM too.
A big hug to you today. I do hope your presentation goes well xx
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Thank-you xx I am doing well really, just wanted to write it down while I’m remembering what the really anxious times feel like. I have been doing lots of tidying recently which has really helped, means I can cope today!
This is an incredibly brave post to publish, and full credit to you for doing so. Like you I suffer from anxiety and all those feelings you have written about sound so familiar. I’ve been floored by anxiety before. I am on low-dose antidepressants probably for life because my GP thinks that I have a chemical imbalance that means that I am prone to anxiety and depression so I can totally relate. I am in a better place now than I was a few years ago but when those panic attacks hit, they’re like nothing else in the world. It really does feel like hell. I am always here if you want to talk about these things. For now, remember you are brave and talented and you can do these things that are worrying you. Three in a row like this is unfortunate, but take strength from the fact that you had courage to post on here – they say that facing the fears is the biggest step you can take. Let us know how you got on – I am thinking of you! x
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Thank-you. It is lovely to know that others relate, which I have found from a lot of people online. I wrote this post because I know others feel the same and I’ve had so much support that I can cope (most of the time!) now, and want to let others know that it is possible even on bad days (some of them!) Not sure I got that across very well though! Thanks again xxx
How very brave of you for putting this out there. I hope your presentation goes well! And I am so happy cleaning is helping lol!
Unlike you I’m not brave enough to go into details, but I know exactly where you’re coming from. I can present quite a calm and confident exterior sometimes, but inside I’m a complete mess. People often assume I’m being rude and anti-social when actually I’m just terrified.
Good luck with the next few days xx
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This exactly: “People often assume I’m being rude and anti-social when actually I’m just terrified.” :hugs: for you too. We can do it
xx
It’s strange for me – it’s only very specific situations that make me anxious. I can (reasonably ) happily speak in public, I can chat to strangers with no problem, and when I’m in the mood I can be quite loud. But in some situations I just freeze and want to curl up inside, which is why everyone assumes I’m suddenly being snooty. Totally and utterly irrational, but there you go!
Elli Woollard recently posted..Eating Up and Eating Down
This post made me cry. I suffer with anxiety too. I’ve always had it, but in the last few years it has got worse. I particularly worry about anything happening to my daughter, or because I am a single mum, things happening to me. If someone sneezes near my daughter, within minutes I can be paranoid that she is going to get ill, and I know just how irrational that sounds but I just can’t seem to help it. It can be different things we get anxious about, but the “symptoms” are just the same. I’ve wondered about anti-depressants, but just panic (oh how ironic) that I will get hooked or they won’t work or they will make me woozy (which would panic me more). It really does help knowing that you are not alone in these feelings, and you aren’t just going mad.
:hugs: The reason behind the anxiety is never rational. I *know* all the things I worry about will be fine too, but it doesn’t change. Fortunately my intense symptoms are few and far between now. I started anti-depressants from PND but they do take the edge of anxiety too (as I find out when I naughtily stop taking them!) but different things work for different people. It’s worth having a chat with your GP who might be able to refer you for CBT (cognative behavioural therapy) which might work to lessen the anxious times? It really is a personal thing, different things work for different people. You are not alone, and not mad. It’s hard work and exhausting feeling like that all the time. If you want to chat, e-mail me and I’ll listen xx
It was lovely meeting you finally face to face last night, and i can truly say I had no inclination that you were finding it difficult (if you were) in any way -you were lovely. In fact I beelined for you as I thought you like friendly and approachable and at that time I wasn’t aware that we were acquainted over the inter-web, I just thought – I think I could get on with her and have a good chat!
I really hope that today and Friday goes well! Take care.
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Thank-you! My presentation was over then so I was over the big anxious feeling and just in ‘aarrgghh-theres-people-what-do-i-do’ mode! It was lovely meeting you, and thank-you for your kind words. I start with internal terror at unfamiliar social situations but once I’m chatting with someone nice I feel relaxed, so I’m really glad you sat next to me
Thank you for posting this. I’m not an overly anxious person, this has really made me think about how to react to other people’s anxiety. You are quite right; those of us who do not suffer do find it difficult to understand.
Hope your talk went well.
Thank-you for your lovely comment, the talk went well and all my worries were completely unfounded – which of course I knew really but will still worry about the next time a big anxiety trigger hits!
Very thought-provoking. I get really quite worried about being alone (or even with a friend) amongst strangers at social events. I worry over every word I say, no matter how short my conversations are. I never knew people could feel like this though. Suddenly I feel quite silly! Thanks for giving me something to think about the next time I spend too much time retrospectively analysing my side of conversations
You are not silly at all! I’d hoped my post might help some people validate their feelings, but it is just one part of anxiety. Most of the time I have smaller worries and anxieties about many things. The big anxiety days are very tough, but periods of constant anxiety are wearing in whatever form. Please don’t feel that your anxieties are any less valid, they are valid and you are not silly xxx
It takes a lot of courage to write a post like this and I admire your honesty. Now that two of the big stresses of the week are out of the way I hope that you can enjoy the book awards tomorrow. Take care.
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