I have no self belief. I have spent too much of my life suppressing swathes of my personality in order to fit in, and yet have still been called odd by all of the people who I let get close enough to me; and have just been viewed as either weird or aloof by anyone else I haven’t. I’ve gone through times where being called weird is the biggest complement you could give me, and times where I’ve cried rivers over not being able to fit in.
I am introverted. That is an indisputable fact. I am severely introverted. Introverts need alone time to recharge, and being social wears them out. Is that everything though? Does that explain my life? Does that explain the inability to know what to do in any new situation involving people; the lack of eye contact; the meltdowns when completely overwhelmed; the exhaustion from average day-to-day social contact; the depression and anxiety caused by failing to cope with everyday situations; the elective mutism as a child; the logic that solved school and work problems in ways other people never thought of; the being able to focus on one thing so much that I don’t hear other people approaching; the biting in childhood; the way I sway and rock without realising?
When I read articles about Asperger’s and Autism written by adults without autism, mainly written for parents of children with autism, I don’t always relate to what’s being said. Therefore I think maybe it’s just a desire to be something other than normal that I’ve grasped on to as an excuse.
When I do online Asperger’s/autism tests, I score way above the borderlines for being autistic. But then I think that’s just meaningless, those tests don’t mean anything.
When I read articles and blogs written by adults with autism. Adults who weren’t diagnosed until well into their 20′s, 30′s, 40′s… I relate to almost everything they write. Small, seemingly unrelated personality aspects fit me to a tee. They’re not in the diagnostic manuals, but adults with autism write about them and I think “that’s me” over and over.
At present I am stuck in a rut of indecisiveness, of inaction. I know it will be hard to seek an adult diagnosis so I’m not taking the first steps to ask for one. I know I need to make a GP appointment to ask about it, but I don’t think they’ll listen because they didn’t listen before.
Because… What if it’s just severe introversion after all? Am I just grasping at a diagnosis to give myself an excuse for being me? Am I actually the horrible person that my depression wants me to think I am? Am I too scared to ever find out?