Blades of Grass

On one of the brief sunny days last week, I was walking to pick up my children from school and (as usual) looking down. As I look at the grass verges, I see the blades of grass nestle together. I see each individual blade: thinner blades, thicker blades; taller blades, shorter blades; patches of mud, a daisy here and there. It’s still a grass verge, and my brain certainly isn’t quick enough to count each blade of grass, but it’s also lots of individual parts making up a whole.

And I have no idea if I see what other people see. I don’t know whether someone else just sees a swathe of green with texture, or sees each blade, or sees the people walking towards them because they’re not looking down at grass verges as they walk.

I’ve not been blogging much for quite a while. I’ve been thinking too much. And being anxious. Being a lot of anxious. It makes concentration hard.

And now I’m trying to re-frame my life as being disabled. I’ve seen myself as useless, and needy, and pathetic, and incapable; but never disabled. It feels strange.

I am autistic.

I can’t quite get the words to come out without having to qualify it somehow.

Of course I’m not very autistic.

Of course it’s Asperger’s really, if that still existed as a diagnosis, not real autism…

15 months. One hour pre-assessment. 400+ questionnaire questions. Six hours observation, interviews and tests with clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist. Two hours interviewing my husband. 2500+ words of supporting information. Seven years of secondary school reports. 60+ questionnaire questions to my mother. 35 pages of feedback report.

“… would confirm a primary diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder…”

I am autistic.

2 responses to “Blades of Grass

  1. Some days I see patterns. Some days I’m overwhelmed by the numbers. Some times it’s a green blur as I dash past. Other times I’m fascinated by all the little lives within.

    It’s never the same two days running. And no two people are the same. I’m not sure about the disability tag, tbh, it doesn’t sit well with me. Rather, I recognise now that I’ve different ways of approaching life to most people and that can make life harder. But I can work with myself as I am, instead of trying to be something or someone I’m not, and I’m finding that that makes life easier than it has been in a long while.

    I hope that’s a helpful thing to say. Autism is fitting me better than the anxiety/depression labels I’ve carried all my adult life.
    Jax Blunt (@liveotherwise) recently posted..Saturday snippets 4 April 2015My Profile

  2. Also – 35 pages???
    Jax Blunt (@liveotherwise) recently posted..Delete by Kim Curran Blog TourMy Profile

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