Trigger warning: depressed thoughts
I’m struggling with life at the moment. I’m sick of feeling depressed and anxious, and I want to make little achievements that I know will improve my life. But I can’t seem to work out how to do it.
It’s not that I don’t know the theory, I just have a huge mental block on action. I want to live in a tidier house. The mess depresses me so much. I don’t want a show home, or minimalism, or anything Instagram or Pinterest worthy (I Instagram my mess anyway, but I’m odd). I just want tidier. Less crap.
I’ve written lists. I’ve broken tasks into tiny bits. I’ve sketched room layouts. I’ve categorised the “stuff”. I’ve thrown everything on floor and surfaces into bags in the garage so there’s less to deal with in the house.
I’ve stared into space. I’ve read novels. I’ve taken up doodling. I’ve completed Plants vs Zombies. I have a level 7 town hall in Clash of Clans. I’m on level 170-something on Candy Crush Soda Saga. I sleep during the day. I cry. I rock. I procrastinate. I perseverate.
I know I waste hours and hours but I’ve forgotten how to live. I feel like I’ve done it all so many times before that trying again is pointless. Life is pointless.
I’ll try again. Of course I will. I always will. I’ll look for my diary/planner and break the tasks up again. I’ll get there. I have to get there.
I wish I knew where there was.