Blog Out May

I’ve seen an advert which says “outrun May”, and I keep thinking it means the current UK prime minister. But actually it’s about running for charity. Or health. Or something. I’m not interested enough to remember. I’ve meant to do a blog every day month for years but instead I’ve barely blogged. But it’s the first of yet another month so I’m having another try.

I want to get back in the habit of blogging again because I enjoyed it. I need to get in a habit of journalling because my mental health isn’t doing too well and writing usually helps.

It seems that being diagnosed as autistic is the start of a long process and after over two years I still feel at the beginning of my understanding of myself. Over 40 years of not really being who you actually are isn’t easy to work out. I’m not sure who I am or how to parent the awesome beings that my body grew and expelled.

We’re on the cusp of puberty for my eldest daughter, and her diagnosis a year ago should help navigate that. Also being ridiculously open and honest for her whole life. Side affect of my autism, I’m rubbish at lying. We’ll have to apply for secondary school in a few months, and I am honestly scared of her going to a huge school, but an EHCP is unlikely unless she actually goes into crisis, which I’d prefer to avoid. Masking issues and appearing “normal” to get through the day equals “she’s fine” to the untrained eye.

Youngest daughter is still awaiting assessment, because two autism diagnoses in close family and a host of traits are still apparently not enough to avoid hoop jumping with CAMHS just to get on the year long waiting list. We don’t even have written confirmation she’s on a waiting list, and I don’t trust verbal notifications.

I won’t be writing specific details about my children because their lives are theirs and they don’t want it shared online. So if I seem self centered, it’s because I’m the only person I have permission to write about. My life is still child-led chaos of course.

My current special interests appear to be books (always, although picture books are fading, which I’m not happy about so will fight back); autism (especially female experiences and mental health); feminism (sort of, mainly for counteracting everyday sexism for my daughters); decluttering and organisation (because my house is too messy / stimulating for good mental health); and Lego (because.)

I have no plan for this daily blogging. I might hunt out some prompts, or diary stuff, or actually do some book reviews, or stream of consciousness. Or this might be or for another few months. Hopefully not. Please feel free to give me any ideas or questions and I’ll see how I do. Thank-you.

2 responses to “Blog Out May

  1. Hi, I was diagnosed as autistic (with adhd) seven years ago now (when I was 42), and am still getting used to it. What I’ve learned is that it takes longer for me to process things, and to deal with change (big or small) – and finding out my brain doesn’t work the same as others is a massive change. I also have a blog, and I also struggle to post consistently, no matter how much I want or make plans to. What I’m learning is to accept that this, too, is part of my autism/adhd, and not to place ANY expectations on myself because I will not be able to fulfil them; and not to give myself a hard time about it, by comparing myself to non-autistics, or looking to them for ideas on how to live (your obsession with decluttering is familiar to me too, as I also find it difficult to maintain order. I horde, and I find it difficult to throw things away – though I have learned to do better – but I have a thing about paper, and boxes!). I copy (often without even knowing I am), and I will absorb what I’ve read, seen, or heard from the outside world, and only become aware of it sometimes weeks, months, years down the line. I’m having to let go of so many things I believed were true that don’t work for me as an autistic – one of the main ones being that the only blueprint for living a healthy/happy/successful life is that propagated by neurotypicals. I am very fortunate in that I have a small network of friends who are also all autistic. I could go on, but I’ll leave it at that. I did post a comment on one of your previous posts (the Who Am I? one, I think it was), and I’m glad to see you’re still around. One more thing I’ve learned that does help (though it can be difficult to do, given that I am an outcome-driven person, which is exacerbated by the society we live in) – to live in the day. Take great care, and take it easy.

  2. Your blog is currently included on our Actually Autistic Blogs List (anautismobserver.wordpress.com). Please personalize your blog’s description by selecting “About the list/How do you want your blog listed?” from the top menu on that site.
    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

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